hear the mute speak.

hear the mute speak.



took the title from jas' blog. it has been far too long and i miss you guys, besties. but procrastination to meet and A's are like in the way.



hey people. i am back from the chalet and i have lost my voice. no idea why, prolly from all the bbq food and hard liquor and of course, screaming and shouting in midst of drunken high.

highlights were prolly wii games and buying similar "a hug a day keeps the psychiatrist away" tees with jo and peipei and alcohol-induced (one whole bottle of barcadi and half a bottle of absolut shared amongst.) high with pei-never been so drunk before and "my underwear is from victoria secrettttt!!"-pei, "i love hunks"-za and new best friend-garene. details are far too vivid and time doesnt allow my description, you wouldnt understand anyways. so let's leave it this way. other than that, everything's pretty subtle. it was real nice to getaway from stuff. being with people in the night always makes me spill shit and hear shit.

nevertheless, i guess we need further meticulous planning for the next semestral gathering. wouldnt want our bonding fun to become routine-boring. it's time for adventurous and fresh! besides, it'll be like providing opportunities to train ourselves in the aspects of event planning which, i daresay, will aid in our career.

look out for za and peipei's blog for other juice.

anyways, year two's coming up (in a few weeks.) and i am pretty psyched to do wayyy better since it'll be pretty much language-based. electives are still in suspense but i hope i get french or jap. either one's all fine with moi.

i know i need to sort my head straight and focus on what i have now and work things with it. at some point of time, i realise desiring for things which i wouldnt want to act to get is pretty much pointless. i never knew passiveness could grow with age. but the older i am, the more introverted i get, loner-ish and all. being unable to talk suits me just fine now. hahaha. but i just raised hell when my asshole brother broke my mug, and now it hurts. and i have nothing to drink pi pa gao with. dog'gonnit.






ta-ta.

xoxo.



being away gave me new-found infatuations i thought i had left behind.

and he said, "i'll kick you in the head if i aint in love with you so much"

and he said, "i'll kick you in the head if i aint

in love with you so much"



hello happy people! ah well, tomorrow's finally the class chalet and i am pretty much psyched though i have to get to school first to settle some stuff before heading to city hall to meet whoever's there at two. you see, doesnt it strike off like some blind date? it takes much mutual trust and faith in one another to make your way aimlessly down to city hall and wait to meet whoever based on just one text. if they all decided to gang up and play some nasty prank, then that fool will be standing and waiting for godknows how long. hahaha. ah, technology will never take away this feeling. i am just spouting nonsense. (:


so. pretty much, i am just clueless about anything. whether we'll hit the clubs, whether they need me to bring anything.. but whatever, i am just gonna pack my bags with whatever there is and we'll see how it goes. but i really do hope we can hit the club(s). i am dying to dance. DANCING FREAK! hahahhaa.


okay i hope i am not freaking people out with my cheeriness. but i am pretty high today cause well, i am drinking vitagen and there are just much going on right now. plus, i got shows streamed out waiting for me.

that day, my mummy and i were talking about tongue piercing. i told her i think it's cool and she suggested that i get it. haha. then i described to her how the process goes about, and she changed her mind and told me not to in case i "embarrass myself screaming out loud". at east she's not against it, i know. so i am thinking about it and maybe if i am crazy enough, i will go get it. there are many things i want to, like tattoos. but thinking how i might work in the hotel line next time, i am hesitating. yup, decisions. just to keep my bored mind occupied.



okay, we're all bored now. chalet post next!






ta-ta.

xoxo.

and he said, "i

on my way to becoming a driver - part two.

on my way to becoming a driver - part two.



i got a stupendous 48 out of 50 for my driver's theory test. hahahahaha! and now, it's all left to scheduling for a theory and practical lesson of the car (eg. changing tyres - dreading it!, knowing the parts.). then i am off to actual driving lessons behind the wheels. i am a tad nervous about the whole behind the wheels thing, so i am not in such a hurry. it's my mummy that's pestering me to hurry and get the probationary license. tsk. i wont even get a beetle.



i have decided to get those crystal studs and decorate my phone. and maybe some other nonsense when i actually get round to finishing my phone. but i am a tad worried that the crystals might not last cause (haha) i am pretty careless with my stuff. lovelle has some scratches on her metal back already. my heart ached whenever i see it.

okay. after a few days of minor rainbows and butterflies (no failure for sem two, facial, mani-pedi, and 48/50 for udang), i have decided to ditch attempting to be so serious and matured and, revert back to my very silly and somewhat bimbotic side as before. i guess this whole i-am-18-so-i-need-to-be-more-stern thingy is messing up my systems and having read previous posts, erhm, i am admitting i am seriously one neurotic asshole. i shall just live life day by day and i shant worry that i might not get a decent high-paying job when i graduate from whatever level i manage to study to.

yup, that's what i have been thinking. what if i cant get into any university at switz, then what happens? besides that, i am afraid that if i do get in, it'll be a financial and mental toil. see what i mean? these are all reality and cruel bastards that pushes me to becoming one kooked woman.

but i talked to my mummy about it. and seriously, i dont know if she's consoling me but she says that i just need to be giving all the best i can and not think about all those nitty-gritty nonsense that makes me so unhappy and weird. she doesnt like serious stuff very much and when she needs to deal with reality alot, she gets really stressed and cranky and odd (think new hairdos and constant facials and shopping and bad moods). me too! hahahaha. yup. of course, i wont be too clueless like how elle woods strarted out to be in legally blonde (one of my fav chic flicks). i will still know how to pump gas and pay the bills (i said i will, not i know now). you guys get it.



besides that, i am thinking of doing a new hair. mine's pretty long now and boring and old. so, i want to enahnce my waves with minor curls. and i am thinking of bangs. not those flimsy ones. more of lily ellen and liv tyler below :

okay how should i? should i? i hate bad hair changes but maybe i should just suck it up and be super mindless daring for once? let me know, people!

sarah brightman. scares me.

ta-ta.

xoxo.

"i'd thought you'll never ask"

"i'd thought you'll never ask"



i am not dead cause results turned out alrighty. got a gpa raise of like some minute 0.5. but let's just say, i am paying more attention next year and not blanking out throughout the whole semesters and then try to cramp concepts and stuff into my cranial of limited capacity like within one week of the exams. it's not very useful when lecture notes seem oh-so-foreign by the fifth page. not doing badly, but definitely not excelling la! apparently my mummy just feels pretty relieved that i am not repeating modules. she's such a slacker on me!



people are fixing the porch and part of the balcony. all the wood's somewhat decaying with time, it's gross. what's worse, i look out at the porch area and all i see is debris. i dont feel like drinking my milk (cant eat staple food again cause my braces are tightened = pain) when i look out at those dirt and know that I will be the one sweeping it up, with the absence of a maid. i hate independence if it means no maid. i am not gonna wash dishes when i get to chalet cause i am sick of doing it at home!




theory tests are this saturday. oh. which is tomorrow. i am freaking i-dont-know about it. i again, just want to pass the shit. so i can move on to the other part of the curriculum where i learn to change tires. yup. what wonders it'll do to my manicure. i am not emo anymore, by the way. cause i got a really nice facial with massage yesterday. it's freaking awesome. the room was filled with lavender scent and i was almost asleep.



anyways, i am bored and hungry. and my blog is too. man. retardeddd. i want to go back to sleep. this is when i hope no one visits or have to do something. i dont really like having strangers about in my home. bye.



un-bye. i lament again and again, but it just strikes me that i feel sorry for myself that i am not as involved with school, making and keeping friends as.. others. it's not that i dont want to. i just dont want to. it may be, but i feel pretty detached from my superficially so-called friends in general. and i realise it's pretty much problematic on my part cause i dont put in the effort. but it isnt as if the others care anyways. you have to make an effort to be in the impression of others right? - quote from me thank you very much. so i am a loner, but what does that makes you? and the others who dont see that i am truly broken inside when i mope around at home and watching tv and eat (which i cant do now cause of the muthafarking pain in the teeth). then read about other people's interesting life in reality. while my equally, if not more, interesting one only happens when i cook it up with rainbows and unicornz. i am starting to annoy even myself with all the blaming game. well, too bad we aint close eh. just oh-so bad.






(i see potential in myself as an ungrateful, blame-it-all. now wouldnt that just be great.)

ta-ta.

xoxo.

lackadaisical.

lackadaisical.




i am eyeing to finish cashmere mafia and secret diary of a call girl and sugar rush and lipstick jungle. captivating. but streaming pretty slowly. in my home-staying period, i have been scooping out wonderful serials like these, which i presume will never be aired locally. this is why i want to pack my bags and move to urban usa or aussie or even canada. or maybe london too, cause some of those are british. anyhow, i could just watch wonderful telly all day. yayness!



results are tomorrow (i've got EVERYTHING crossed). and if all goes well, i will be having a blast at class chalet this coming tues.

i feel cheerier after bitching with junyou that day. people should just call me more. most, most preferably from faraway countries. and then, cheer me up with talks about their seemingly miserable life and issues (eg. calvin klein v-neck sweater dilemma; having to live on a budget aka the b-word, you dont say it, it makes some people faint) and promises to get me stuff (like victoria secret, authentic juicy couture, wonderful cocoa black) when they get their asses back home for summer or to treat me to the best restaurant if i manage to get mine over to wherever they are. hahaha.

besides that, thanks shereen for that lovely offline im. envy you loads; she got to go to the maldives!






ta-ta.

xoxo.

(no romantic phrases made out today.)

hippie emo chick.

hippie emo chick.

one) i really dont care about translating that darn malay shit theory book anymore. two) i am having menstrual cramps. three) i want to watch a movie alone tomorrow. four) i have intentions to cut my hair short; or do bangs. five) i am nervous for results this 19th. six) i want to pass year one safely and move on to year two with no extra packages. seven) i want to be able to have shit-loads of fun at the class chalet. eight) i kind of regret not going for the cruise cause it's an opportunity to widen my narrow social circle and i gave that up. nine) i dont really think i am ready for the theory test which i have yet to schedule. ten) i need another facial and mani-pedi session. eleven) i cant believe my mummy and i can turn a grocery shopping trip into a retail one; we got three pants and 2 tops. twelve) i am generally not in high-spirits lately; i wonder if that's call maturing. thirteen) i honestly feel that i am not in a position to help anybody with anything cause i am needing some much help myself. fourteen) i feel frustrated with myself whenever i think about how i allowed my mum to give baby away with nothing more than just a frown and some silent mumblings. fifteen) i ran an hour on the threadmill just now and i think i prefer just sticking to not eating much then sleeping and watching telly more. sixteen) i was a bitch to a friend who called me from overseas generally cause i am an angst these days and i was angry he hasnt called for so long and i did miss him alittle but i didnt want to tell him that and so it turned to unreasonable frustration. ah, pride gets you nothing. seventeen) when i told another friend about baby's thing just now, i was half expecting him to console me with something like "i will get you another; dont be upset". but the conversation didnt come close and now i am alittle upset; plus he had no previous idea about baby having this situation. that makes me even more upset. (think blog's purpose). ah, expectations. i should learn to have none of those. eighteen) sometimes i wish there'll be this time when i dont have to give to receive. i am sick and tired of giving; been there, done that. so where's my reaping?

i have more of these thoughts brooding bastards. but i thought i should just stop at eighteen.

ta-ta.

xoxo.

i shampoo daily; you can go ahead and plant that kiss in my hair now.

on my way to becoming a driver - part one.

on my way to becoming a driver - part one.

okay, so part one was actually signing up and paying for it. but nyeh.


today i was rudely awakened by my multiple alarms (think 2 from cell one, 3 from cell two and one from my sexy lovelle aka itouch.) at six fucking am! but i slept at eleven (after taking the drowsy flu pills though i am so much better. just a little snotty from all the mucus! hahhaa pun unintended!) so i guess it was okay though i had a hard time adjusting to showering in the COLD and it was BURRRR today!


anyways, i was in a super duper rush cause the car pool was supposed to come at seventy-thirty and i was still in bed at six-fifty. but what wonders the fresh dawn breeze does to me, by seven-twenty i was already doing my eyeliner. but who knows. car pool was late by thirty minutes and the driver was a reckless arse - so much for staff at the safety driving centre! i arrived at the rundown driving centre with a migraine and nausea.


so at about nine, i was all ready for the theory lecture which is suppose to last seven hours till about five. okay, cut the long story short : i didnt understand the whole thing cause it was all main points in malay with an occasional dash of english and chinese translation of the lecturer's jokes. but i didnt get the jokes either, cause it was some not-funny old man stuff with malaysia's motto "malaysia boleh". it was horribly lame, so let's not go there.


so at the end of the whole thing, i had with me one pretty thick booklet and another past year test example papers in again, MALAY but i had to pay six bucks for some ten flimsy sheets of past year papers translated to english but then, no booklet in english. SO HOW AM I GOING TO PASS THE BLOODY THEORY EXAMS?


i doubt that darn english paper will be enough so i spent the whole time from seven to just about now, asking my brother to translate some main ideas i remembered from the lecture (which was sleep-inducing cause he was jabbering on in very profound malay and i could catch some of the main ideas and some verb and nouns here and there. but it's not enough! cause i was guessing only.) so now, at least i knew like the formula for "preventing an accident" which is just damn theory-based bullshit.


anyways, i thank lord there's the test in english so i am taking that and there is no way i am failing just cause it was just language slash communication breakdown. i have a strong desire to drive own a car. plus, there was word going round that it isnt that hard. it's just common sense. reminds me of moral education and all last time eh? hahahha!



p.s. there werent hot guys. just nervous awkward girls picking at their nails and ah beng dudes in their 77th street-inspired clothes. SADNESSSS!







alas, i am so lonely without a pet!









ta-ta.

xoxo.


my hands are always cold, i need you to warm them. will you?

sympathique.

sympathique.



appearing offline. waiting for limewire downloads at 3kb/s. what the fuck. sucky sickness. no fun tomorrow. bed rest. no cycling. no laughing. no nothing.

why do i keep thinking about you? now, i wouldnt dare ask if you're missing me too.

sometimes i get so frustrated with myself. i tend to always hold on to things in my heart. it's not keeping faith cause i have almost lost every ounce of it. it's more of an oblivion on how to let go. i never knew how to let go, and that's why at some point of time, i find myself going back and brooding about the past. it's like some mentally retarded circling this mulberry bush, walking round and round and round. intentions to burn it and leave it behind. but then, i get confused and lose my purpose and motivation and meaning. like now, i have no fuck what i am saying.







ta-ta.

xoxo.

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
oh, when our heart clashes,
it's like pizza crust!

half the night i waste in sighs, half in dreams i sorrow for the hand, the lips, the eyes; for the waiting of tomorrow.

half the night i waste in sighs, half in dreams

i sorrow for the hand, the lips, the eyes; for

the waiting of tomorrow.






couldnt sleep last night. partly cause the mucus and phlegm (okay grossss!) were blocking my oesophagus and i have breathing difficulties even when i am positioned upright. imagine my suffocating state when i lie down in attempt to coax myself to bed.




got up earlyy for brunch with mummy dearest after she votes in some ulu primary school.

no wonder there was a joke on how more people vote for american idol compared to the elections. one allows easy and comfort access with the phone, the other stresses the requirement of looking for assigned voting sites with the geographical map and compass.

same difference; we took 1 whole hour to find that primary school mummy was assigned to vote. and it wasnt bad direction sense's fault.





i guess i wont be working much this hols. i have signed up for driving lessons and it starts wednesday. in about two month's time, i will be able to drive legally. and i am planning to go sign up for more lessons, but i am still pondering what.

oh,

baby has been sent to live with a friend of my mummy. he has been really naughty (that day he ran out of the house while the gate was open and it was after chasing him for 3 streets that we found him.) and the vet says he needs a change of environment to live the rest of his life, something like an old folk's home. so my mummy gave him to her friend whose son is very keen. i just hope baby doesnt bully him.

it's all peace and quiet now, i cant get used to it. nowhere to shower my love. i've had two mani and pedi and one facial and i am still upset and insane. cant you tell the depth of this impact? i need a new pet soon. but i'll be missing and loving you baby.

):

ta-ta.

xoxo.


Got me at the first tune; note; word.
And no night is ever long enough.
Hide, in his arms. Runaway, with his songs.
Watched, warmed.

sick as a stick.

sick as a stick.



my immune system has failed me terribly again. i am so sick, there isnt a voice when i speak out. i sleep and feel drowsy from the effect of the med. now tell me how am i going to find a job, or go out and have fun, or have slumber parties wtih myself and my imaginery friends, or do movie marathons or just be silly and jump on my bed for five hours straight? i hate being sick.

i love sushi. but my mum has been making us eat jap for like the past few weeks. it's nice, but now, i wont pay hundred of bucks for it anymore. hahaha. homemade miso soup is part of my diet. but i ate french fries yesterday (yes, even with a SORE sore throat) and now, i think i am back to 48kgs.

FAT CAT SAT.




the L on my keyboard is so hard to press! everything's against you when you're feeling unwell. i am waiting for "cashmere mafia" to finish downloading on limewire. ngjunyou applauds it for it's ultra chic-ier than "sex and the city"fashion! we'll see!

ta-ta.

xoxo.

dust and cobwebs.

dust and cobwebs.



i dont know why sensitivity is in my blood so much. i dont hate it when the hormones are working normally cause it lets me understand things better (literary works, art etc). but the times when i bawl my eyes out over what seems like nothing (when i am sad, happy, angry, upset, pissed off, anytime), it will just be categorized under "Mental Breakdown" and makes me feel like i need a psychiatrist's note to confirm that i am suffering from something, so everybody can just get off my back and show alittle more concern and understanding.


yup. full of angst eh. must be the sore throat and all. i am sick again and i am needing more love.

lately, i see myself being more secluded and deluded. i dont reply texts, i dont pick up calls, i dont i.m people, i dont go out. i just stay at home and sleep till i've got a headache, then watch tv till my eyes get little light spots. i tend to eat alot too, but improperly. which is why i am now 47 kg again. (goal's 45, people.) was 50 just a week back or something. aint i just the ultimate diet queen?


honestly. i dont think poly is giving me the ultimate or rather, maximum, satisfactory of things and of myself and my perceived abilities. it's like i dont really find pleasure and delight in most of the modules i take.

i had a dream last night while i was delirious with fever, that i was somewhere in a school in europe and taking all my favourite subjects such as literature and many languages (french, spanish, italian, japanese, korean, chinese) and drama and writing and history and singing and drawing and media studies and dancing and photography and fashion design and making of clothes and there was no exams and it was awesomezxzx, but i woke up facing reality and i was crappier than ever.

it's like i am having a midlife crisis where i am frustrated with everything but i am just 18. advanced midlife crisis i guess. how to solve. i do not know. but i am forcing myself to get my butt off the couch and maybe indulge in things such as movies and books.



i feel so guilty for letting my rustiness stop me from going to rashal's bday party. i just realised it might be what i needed.




it's time like this that watching the singer below's youtube videos makes me feel somewhat better. now fate brought us together.

ta-ta.

xoxo.

JAM HSIAO.

JAM HSIAO.

aka 蕭敬騰. if you havent heard of him, maybe you're too english-cultured to be true, or you arent my friend, or maybe you're just living in a secluded twenty-feet deep well. YUP. he's tan woan tyng's first and prolly last, idol!

he has the greatest voice, and i love him. it's like, i cant believe i will be so crazy over a singer, not to mention manda-pop.


i searched him on youtube and he has like 13 or so pages and i watched every single one of them. hahaa. i am contemplating to buy his book and his album. THERE, i am officially mad about him. i even put up with the highly overrated act-cute-ish taiwanese entertainment variety shows just to watch him. (i shant upload the vids here in case you guys collapse foaming at the mouth and all other areas possible and impossible.)

so anyways, i was bored and lazy to get out of my house. again. so i youtubed other stuff and this is one song i kind of appreciated. to me, both the original singer and jam's cover are differently unique. and the lyrics are romantic and meaningful. (finally an usage of my higher chinese. woots!)

comparison of both versions.

a better original version.

WHEEEEEE!

ta-ta.

xoxo.