i dont know why sensitivity is in my blood so much. i dont hate it when the hormones are working normally cause it lets me understand things better (literary works, art etc). but the times when i bawl my eyes out over what seems like nothing (when i am sad, happy, angry, upset, pissed off, anytime), it will just be categorized under "Mental Breakdown" and makes me feel like i need a psychiatrist's note to confirm that i am suffering from something, so everybody can just get off my back and show alittle more concern and understanding.
yup. full of angst eh. must be the sore throat and all. i am sick again and i am needing more love.
lately, i see myself being more secluded and deluded. i dont reply texts, i dont pick up calls, i dont i.m people, i dont go out. i just stay at home and sleep till i've got a headache, then watch tv till my eyes get little light spots. i tend to eat alot too, but improperly. which is why i am now 47 kg again. (goal's 45, people.) was 50 just a week back or something. aint i just the ultimate diet queen?
honestly. i dont think poly is giving me the ultimate or rather, maximum, satisfactory of things and of myself and my perceived abilities. it's like i dont really find pleasure and delight in most of the modules i take.
i had a dream last night while i was delirious with fever, that i was somewhere in a school in europe and taking all my favourite subjects such as literature and many languages (french, spanish, italian, japanese, korean, chinese) and drama and writing and history and singing and drawing and media studies and dancing and photography and fashion design and making of clothes and there was no exams and it was awesomezxzx, but i woke up facing reality and i was crappier than ever.
it's like i am having a midlife crisis where i am frustrated with everything but i am just 18. advanced midlife crisis i guess. how to solve. i do not know. but i am forcing myself to get my butt off the couch and maybe indulge in things such as movies and books.
i feel so guilty for letting my rustiness stop me from going to rashal's bday party. i just realised it might be what i needed.
it's time like this that watching the singer below's youtube videos makes me feel somewhat better. now fate brought us together.
ta-ta.
xoxo.
No comments:
Post a Comment