BIG FAT COW.

06:30 - i really looked into the mirror (the past few days were whirlwind-dress-up sessions with the boys waiting for me in the car outside my gate or just downstairs where i can hear them grumble, so i had no time to check myself out.) and nearly screamed its smooth face cracked. my head swam when i focused on the huge foreign bulge from my tummy area and immediately i felt (and still feel) like a 55(kg). i swear i am nowhere near exaggeration even though there is no way to verify my actual weight since the scale is dead.

panicpanicpanic. i started looking for junyou's cardigan (believing that Calvin Klein can do wonders.) to hide ALL my fats in but then i returned it to him already. that set me into another wash of depression. to think i once swore to myself that i will not return to a 58. but now i can actually forsee bread-face tyng all over again. that pathetic enormous whale all lumped up at the corner (and over-spilling out of the corner of course) of the room in a party. it's just unbearable. i cant believe i actually let myself go completely, binging and stuffing my face with supper. i eat more than one cow every meal for the past few days. AHHH.

okay bimbo moment over. but throughout the journey to school, i was drowning in my insecurities and grieving for my lost far-from-a-bikini-bod-but-still-decent-enough er, body. i am having some serious case of pent-up hormones disorder. whyyyyyyyyyyy am i so FATTTTTTTTT.

okay, it's a DIET! i am ONLY eating HALF a meal a day.